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Home Old Home F-Keys Info Web Help 49ers Giants Stuff Holiday Foolaround Jokes Bulldogs Friends |
Martha Stuart Type Tips for Everyone... Place a
miniature marshmallow in the
bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.
Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your
pancake batter onto the hot griddle - perfect shaped
pancakes every time.
To keep potatoes from budding, place an
apple in the bag with the potatoes. To prevent egg
shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the
water before hard-boiling.
Run your hands under cold water before
pressing Rice Krispy treats in the pan -- the
marshmallow won't stick to your fingers. To get
the most juice out of fresh
lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them
under your palm against the kitchen counter before
squeezing.
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet,
simply add a drop or two
of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan,
and bring to a boil on stove-top-skillet will be much
easier to clean now. Spray your Tupperware with
nonstick
cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based
sauces-no more stains. When a
cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry
cake mix instead-no white mess on the outside of the
cake. If you accidentally over-salt a dish while
it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato-it
absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix me
up". Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in
the refrigerator-it will keep
for weeks.
Brush beaten egg white over pie crust
before baking to yield a beautiful, glossy finish.
Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to
soften it back up.
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to
help bring out the corns natural sweetness. To
determine whether an egg is fresh,
immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it
sinks, it is fresh-if it rises to the surface, throw
it away.
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it
in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing
will go away.
Don't throw out all that leftover wine:
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.
If you have problem opening jars: Try
using latex dishwashing gloves, They give a non-slip
grip that makes opening jars easy. Potatoes will
take food stains off your
fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains
and rinse with water.
To get rid of itch from mosquito bite:
try applying soap on the area for instant relief.
Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well,
they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get
your chalk out and draw a
line on the floor or wherever ants
tend to march - see for yourself.
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It
does a good job and better still, leave a lovely
smell to the shine.
When you get a splinter, reach for the
scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle.
Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then
pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters
painlessly and easily. NOW Look what you can do
with Alka Seltzer: Clean a toilet. Drop in two
Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and
flush. The citric acid and effervescent
action clean vitreous china.
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a
glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two
Alka-Seltzer tablets.
Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer
tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry
for two minutes.
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle
with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and
let soak for an hour (or longer, if
necessary).
Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by
dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain
followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few
minutes, then run the hot water. If your VCR has a year setting on it,
which most do, you will not be able to use the
programmed recording feature after 12/31/99. Don't
throw it away. Instead set it for the year 1972 as
the days are the same as the year 2000. The
manufacturers won't tell you. They want you to buy a
new Y2K VCR. Contributer : realoldfart@webtv.net
(Andy Klien )
Help for Heart Attacks
THE BEAT CAN GO ON!
Let's say it's 4:17 p.m. and your driving home,
(alone of course) after an unusually hard day on the
job. Not only was the work load extraordinarily
heavy, you also had a disagreement with your boss,
and no matter how hard you tried he just wouldn't see
your side of the situation.
You're really upset and the more you think about it
the more up tight you become. All of a sudden you
start experiencing severe pain in your chest that
starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your
jaw. You are only about five miles from the
hospital nearest you home, unfortunately you don't
know if you'l be able to make it that far. What
can you do?
You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught
the course neglected to tell you how to perform it on
yourself.
HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE
(Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart
attack, this article seemed in order.)
Without help, the person whose heart stops beating
properly and who begins to feel Faint, has only about
10 seconds left before losing consciousness.However,
these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath
should be taken before each cough, and the cough must
be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from
deep inside the chest.
A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two
seconds without let up until help arrives, or until
the heart is felt to be beating normally again.
Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing
movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood
circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart
also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way,
hear attack victims can get to a phone
and, between breaths, call for Help.
Tell as many other people as possible about this, it
could save their lives!
--from Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240's newsletter AND THE BEAT GOES ON... DIETING 1. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 2. When you eat with someone
else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. 3. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER
count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 4. If you fatten everyone else
around you, then you look thinner. 5. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional
calories because they are not part of one's personal
fuel. 6. Things licked off knives and spoons have
no calories if you are in the process of preparing
something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich, ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae. 7. Cookie pieces contain no fat - the
process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception:
Cookies sold by Texas D" Lites distributors. Great
"Meal Replacement" with little or no fat content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other
nutritional ingredients. 8. Foods that have the
same color have the same number of calories, e.g.
spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white
chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a universal color and
may be substituted for any other food color. 9.
Foods that are frozen have no calories because
calories are units of heat. Examples are Ice
Cream, Frozen pies and popsicle. 10. This is where
you add you're own. Something like a Wild
Card. Contributor = Yours Truly From: Bertiebird@webtv.net Subject: good tips
Bounce and Coke.
BOUNCE....the stuff you use in your dryer.
Eliminates static electricity from your television screen.= Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
Dissolves soap scum from shower doors.= Clean with a used sheet of Bounce.
Freshness the air in your home.= Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang one in the closet.
Prevents thread from tangling.= Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce to eliminate the static cling on the thread before sewing.
Eliminates static cling from pantyhose. Rub a damp, used sheet of Bounce over the hose.
Prevents musty suitcases.= Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
Freshness the air in your car.= Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
Cleans baked-on food from a cooking pan.= Put a sheet in the pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agents apparently weaken the bond between the food and the pan while the fabric softening agents soften the baked-on food.
Eliminates odors in wastebaskets.= Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
Collects cat hair.= Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
Eliminates static electricity from venetian blinds.= Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
Wipes up sawdust from drilling or sandpapering.= A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
Eliminates odors in dirty laundry.= Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
Deodorizes shoes or sneakers.= Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight so they'll smell great in the morning.
Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
*To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:::
Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
*To clean corrosion from car battery terminals:::
Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
*To loosen a rusted bolt:::
Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
*To bake a moist ham:::
Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
*To remove grease from clothes:::
Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
and... WE DRINK THIS STUFF!!
RBHUMPERT@webtv.net (richard humpert)
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers or Keds
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps or Blue Chip Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 6-10: You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15: Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25: You're older than dirt!
From: Sweet-PollyPB@webtv.net (Ramonia Mucker) Subject: Joke-Facts of Life Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out? Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. (from Will Rogers) An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. I am a nutritional overachiever. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. I am in shape. Round is a shape. A day without sunshine is like night. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws. If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
I am not a perfectionist, My parents were though. If is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies; They would put them down somewhere, and forget where they left them. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing. Amazing, you just hang something in your closet for awhile, and it shrinks two sizes. Age is important only if you're cheese or wine. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. From: realoldfart@webtv.net (Andy Klein) Subject: Cowboy Logic
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tabacca.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
There are only two ways to live your life; One is as if nothing is a miracle. The other; As if everything is a miracle!
A. Einstein.
One night I had a wondrous dream, One set of footprints there were seen, The footprints of my precious Lord, But mine were not along the shore. But then some stranger prints appeared, And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?" Those prints are large and round and neat, "But Lord, they are to big for feet." "My child," He said in somber tones, "For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait." "You disobeyed, you would not grow, The walk of faith, you would not know, So I got tired, I got fed up, And there I dropped you on you butt." "Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
I Wish for You !
For my grandchildren, I'd know better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand-me-down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf.
I really would. My cherished grandson, I hope you learn humility by being humiliated and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your bed and mow the lawn and wash the car, and I hope nobody gives you a brand-new car when you are 16.
And I hope you have a job by then.
It will be good if at least one time you can see a baby calf born and see your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother.
And it is all right to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you'll let him.
And when you want to see a Disney movie and your kid brother wants to tag along, I hope you take him.
I hope you have to walk uphill with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
And rainy days when you have to hitch a ride, I hope your driver doesn't have to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with somebody as uncool as your mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your father teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books, and when you learn to use those new-fangled computers, you also learn how to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get razzed by friends when you have your first crush on a girl, and when you talk back to your mother, I hope you learn what Ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on the stove, and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I hope you get sick when some stupid old person blows cigar smoke in your face.
I don't care if you try beer once, but I hope you won't like it.
And if a friend offers you a joint or any dope, I hope you are smart enough to realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your grandpa or go fishing with your uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and the joy of holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through a neighbor's window, and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster of Paris mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you: tough times and disappointment, hard work, and happiness.
They must be felt with the heart." --
Helen Keller
If you get a speeding ticket or went through a red light or whatever the case may be, and you are going to get points on your license, then there is a method to ensure that you DO NOT get any points.
When you get your fine, send in the check to pay for it and if the fine is say $79, then make the check out for $82 or some small amount above the fine.
The system will then have to send you back a check for the difference,
---DO NOT CASH THE CHECK!!
Throw it away!
If you do not cash the check, then the transactions are not complete.
However the system has gotten its money so it is happy and will not bother you any more.
Good Luck Officer Mike
p.s. Drive safe and avoid the ticket in the 1st place
Thanks DMARTZ From: realoldfart@webtv.net (Andy Klein)
by George Carlin ----
We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less common sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly,laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom,watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, but fail to listen, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes; of more questions, and fewer answers.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, ............. or just hit 'delete'.